Funny Weight Loss Plan

                A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."Without a second thought, he takes off after her.A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

                   On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

                            The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

             Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program."Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program.""Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

                          The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

What Men Call their Women

What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means.....

1. Darling - Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.
   
   
2. Dear - Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
   
   
3. Sweetheart -If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
   
   
4. Babe - Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
   
   
5. Baby doll -This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.
   
   
6. Princess - Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charming - they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
   
   
7. Sexy - Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
   
   
8. My girlfriend - He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!
   
   
9. The wife - If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
   
   
10. My other half - You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
    
    
11. The missus -See The Wife.
    
    
12. My partner - He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
    
    
13. My significant other - He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
    
    
14. She who must be obeyed - He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.

{Author unknown}

The Doctor and the Plumber

      A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor.

I have a Microsoft waiter

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50

Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00